Pope Declared Praying Mantis as Holy Bugs
THE VATICAN — In a divine plot twist the Pope has declared praying mantises “God’s tiny missionaries,” convinced the insects’ folded forearms are proof they’re “praising Jesus 24/7.”
“These mantises aren’t just hunting bugs—they’re hunting souls,” declared the Pope. “Their praying hands? That’s Psalm 19:1: ‘The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.’ And also, His six legs.” The Holy Father, who now preaches in a mantis-shaped pulpit, claims the bugs’ habit of decapitating mates is “a metaphor for cutting off sinful desires. Or maybe just God’s plan for celibacy.”
The movement has gone viral, with selling “Praying Mantis Prayer Chains” ($19.99, free shipping for tithes over $500) and hosting “Mantis Revivals” where congregants mimic the bugs’ poses. “I felt the Holy Ghost when Brother Mantis here ripped the head off a grasshopper,” said youth leader Becky, 22, cradling a terrarium. “It’s like communion, but with more… protein.”
Biologists are baffled. “They’re predators, not prophets,” said Dr. Alicia Nguyen, an entomologist now fielding angry DMs about “disrespecting God’s pest control.” “If anything, they’re praying for more flies.”
TL;DR: Praying mantises are God's mini ministers, spiritualizing bug sex and insect decapitations as divine acts.
