Pastor’s ‘OnlyFans’ Crusade Flops After Leaked DMs
NASHVILLE — Pastor Kyle “Bible Thirst” Thompson’s viral campaign to “redeem” OnlyFans creators via DM sermons and holy water ASMR has backfired spectacularly, after his DMs were leaked by OnlyFans model @BustyStacieXOXO
The Holy Cringe:
- Tactic 1: Offered creators free “salvation subscriptions” to his Patreon, ”Heaven’s OnlyFans,” featuring Bible study TikToks and merch that read “Blessed & Blocked.”
- Tactic 2: Promised “eternal clout” if they swapped lingerie for liturgical robes. One creator replied, “My Sunday Best is a goth nun cosplay. Checkmate.”
The Unholy Clapbacks:
- @SinnerBae: Posted a video titled “Exorcising My Bank Account” where she “baptized” a stack of cash while lip-syncing to ”Money Machine.”
- @HotForHymns: Created a parody account, @PastorThirstFollows, documenting Kyle’s accidental likes on spicy Reels. “Who’s sinning now?” she captioned.
The Fallout:
- Kyle’s “prayer hotline” got flooded with calls requesting feet pics “for research.”
- A leaked email revealed he tried to expense a OnlyFans subscription as “outreach materials.”
TL;DR: You can’t save souls when the devil’s got better SEO.
DISCLAIMER: KoalaTimes.com is satire. Don’t @ your pastor. Don’t cite us in confession. 🐨✝️
