Nancy Pelosi Launches First Ever U.S. Congress Hedge Fund
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A move that was considered crazy by the GOP, legendary trader Nancy Pelosi has launched a congressional hedge fund, “Legislative Leverage,” after reportedly raising $100 billion from lobbyists, defense contractors, and a Saudi prince who mistook “insider trading” for “indoor track meets.” The fund, marketed as “Congress’s answer to GameStop,” promises to exploit legislative loopholes, insider info, and the collective despair of taxpayers to generate “bigly returns.”
“Why let Wall Street have all the fun?” Pelosi quipped at the fund’s launch party, held in a Goldman Sachs vault filled with caviar sculptures and interns paid in expired crypto. “We’ve been trading stocks blindfolded for decades. Now we’re just cutting out the middleman—ethics.” Pelosi ended her speech with a wink: “Remember, insider trading isn’t illegal if you call it ‘networking.’ Now let’s make America cha-ching again!”
Gen Z staffers are already dubbing it “the most bipartisan grift since student loan interest.” “I put my entire $30K salary into the ‘Border Wall REIT,’” said 24-year-old aide Chad, who now lives in Pelosi’s Capitol broom closet. “Nancy says it’ll moon once Texas secedes. LFG!”
Critics, like Sen. Bernie Sanders, said, “This is like giving Dracula the keys to a blood bank,” but Pelosi fired back: “Bernie’s just mad that the only thing he’s ever leveraged is a Subaru.”
The fund’s first major play? A $5 billion bet on Lockheed Martin ahead of a “mysterious” House bill mandating that all U.S. schools replace fire drills with active shooter laser-tag simulations. “It’s about national security and creating incentive for Congress to serve the people,” Pelosi said, adjusting her diamond-encrypted earpiece.
TL;DR: I mean is anyone shocked?
