Rich White Guy Shocked To Learn He Will Die Some Day
LOS ANGELES — Tech zillionaire Bryan Johnson, who’s spent $2M a year to “hack death,” got a brutal reality check this week when his team of 30 doctors reluctantly informed him that, yes, he will still die.
“I followed the protocol — 2,250 calories of nut paste a day, 47 supplements, and nightly LED light butt treatments,” raged Johnson, clutching a vial of his own stem cells like a security blanket. “I even outsourced my son’s blood! This is bullshit.” His tantrum reportedly shattered a vial of “young people’s mitochondria” and three lab interns’ eardrums.
The meltdown went viral when Johnson live-streamed himself screaming, “I'M TOO RICH TOO DIE!” as he ripped his DON'T DIE shirt from his pale torso. Fans were divided: Gen Z meme accounts dubbed him “Silicon Valley’s Dracula,” while biohacking bros wept into their $500 “longevity smoothies.”
Critics are living. “Bro spent years avoiding bread and sunlight just to end up in the same dirt as the rest of us,” laughed TikTok user @DeathIsGoals. Even his sponsors are bailing — Whole Foods now labels his “Blueprint” diet as “For Delusional Millionaires.”
Johnson’s final plea? “If I can’t cheat death, I’ll become death.” He’s now patenting a crypto coffin and dating an AI-generated version of Bathory.
TL;DR: Bored millionaire tries to cheat death and fails
