JD Vance Channels Inner North Korean News Anchor
WASHINGTON, DC— In a performance that’s half 1984, half Monty Python, VP JD Vance, now known as Jae Dae Park, has begun regurgitating Trump fanfic with the robotic zeal of a North Korean news anchor on Red Bull.
“Our Glorious Leader Trump single-handedly invented ChatGPT and cured baldness!” Vance said on state television, with a frozen face white as a porcelain doll doused in heavy mascara.
The guy who called Trump “America's Hitler" now claims he’s “always believed in Dear Leader’s divine right to rule,” citing a “spiritual awakening” moments after Trump Venmo’d him $10 million and a couch. “I’d follow Supreme Leader into a volcano,” Vance declared, adding, “even if he didn't say thank you!"
TL;DR: Vance completes his metamorphosis into a North Korean news anchor, complete with robotic voice, forced tears of joy, and a script ripped from Kim Jong-Trump fanfic.
