Girl Breaks Up With Boyfriend Due To 'Weak' Bench Press
LA FITNESS - In a devastating blow to mediocre gym bros everywhere, local couple Stacy, 24, and Chad, 21, split mid-workout this week after Stacy discovered her beau’s “pathetic” bench press max was a mere 225 pounds. Witnesses at LA Fitness report the breakup unfolded when Stacy, spotting Chad, loudly questioned if he’d “confused plates for saucers” during his third failed rep.
“Two plates? Two? I’ve had gluten-free cupcakes with more density,” Stacy scoffed, later adding, “His Tinder profile said ‘gym enthusiast,’ not ‘malnourished Victorian child.’ I deserve someone who can push weight and my G-spot.”
Chad, a self-described “functional strength” advocate, defended his underwhelming lift. “It’s not about the numbers, bro. It’s… form? Or whatever,” he muttered between sips of a neon-hued pre-workout. “She’s just mad because I prioritize cardio.”
The drama escalated when gym-goer Kyle live-streamed the spat, captioning it “#GymSharkBreakup.” By Wednesday, the clip had 2M views and a viral remix set to Moby’s “Extreme Ways.” Fitness influencer Bret “Swolefather” Johnson weighed in: “225 is a warm-up, not a personality. Dude’s delts couldn’t handle a breakup text, let than a barbell.”
Chad has since vowed to “bulk or die trying,” investing his life savings in dubious testosterone gummies. Stacy, meanwhile, was spotted leaving with a powerlifter whose back tattoos simply read “RIP Chad.”
TL;DR: Gym bro’s bench press maxes out at “embarrassing,” girlfriend upgrades to someone who doesn’t fold like a lawn chair.
