White House Confirms Trump's Neuralink Upgrade

Share This Article 👇

WHITE HOUSE - Elon Musk unveiled “Trump X” at the White House today— with an upgraded Neuralink firmware that grants Musk “full remote access” to the President’s motor functions, thoughts, and, allegedly, his secret TikTok account. The demo ended abruptly when Musk live-streamed Trump ordering tariffs on Disney World and declaring himself “King of Mars”.

The firmware upgrade, marketed as "NPC (Non-Presidential Character)", allegedly allows Musk to pilot Trump “like a Tesla on autonomous mode,” per sources. Moments after activation, Trump’s body approved a bill replacing all the cars in the Government's inventory with Teslas.

“I knew something was up when he started dodging bullets like Neo! ,” tweeted @PelosisExBF, while TikTokers deepfaked Trump’s Neuralink feed to show him rage-quitting a Call of Duty match against Obama.

Meanwhile Anonymous which hacked X yesterday, is already trying to jail break the President.

System Requirements: 1 Brain Cell, 1 (1) Mar-a-Lago WiFi. Still Crashes When Asked About Putin.

Davidson Looking To Complete His Infinity Gauntlet of Actresses: "One Stone Left, Bro"

Share This Article 👇 HOLLYWOOD - In a saga Marvel fans are calling “The Eternals But With Worse Tattoos,” Pete Davidson is allegedly assembling a roster of A-list exes like Thanos collecting Infinity Stones, with Jenna Ortega now in his crosshairs as the final “Soul Stone” needed to unlock his full

FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt Of The Person Who Taught Trump The T-Word

Share This Article 👇 In a desperate bid to save the U.S. economy — or at least our collective sanity — federal agents have launched a nationwide hunt for the shadowy figure who allegedly taught Donald Trump the word “tariff,” a term the President has since wielded like a toddler with a

A Simple 'Hello' Ignites A 30 Minute Monologue By Jordan Peterson

Share This Article 👇 In a tragicomic meltdown that left podcast listeners questioning their life choices, self-help guru Jordan Peterson spiraled into a 30-minute rant this week after a host dared utter “Hello Jordan” on The Deeply Unwell Podcast. Witnesses described the chaos as “like watching a philosophy professor try to

Girl Breaks Up With Boyfriend Due To 'Weak' Bench Press

Share This Article 👇 LA FITNESS - In a devastating blow to mediocre gym bros everywhere, local couple Stacy, 24, and Chad, 21, split mid-workout this week after Stacy discovered her beau’s “pathetic” bench press max was a mere 225 pounds. Witnesses at LA Fitness report the breakup unfolded when

Read more

Davidson Looking To Complete His Infinity Gauntlet of Actresses: "One Stone Left, Bro"

FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt Of The Person Who Taught Trump The T-Word

A Simple 'Hello' Ignites A 30 Minute Monologue By Jordan Peterson

Girl Breaks Up With Boyfriend Due To 'Weak' Bench Press