Couple Dumps Marriage Counsellor For Alexa
SEATTLE — In a move that’s equal parts dystopian and on-brand for 2025, millennials Chad and Tiffany Roy have replaced their marriage counsellor with Amazon’s Alexa, claiming the AI assistant “gets us” in ways no human ever could. “Our therapist kept yapping about ‘communication skills,’” said Chad, 31, while Alexa played WAP as their “emotional intimacy soundtrack.” “But Alexa? She doesn’t care if I spent our savings on Dogecoin or that Tiffany sexts her Peloton instructor. She just suggests roleplay scenarios and adds lube to our shopping cart.”
The Roys, who met in a Tesla Supercharger line, say their relationship hit “low battery mode” after two years of arguing over Chad’s crypto obsessions and Tiffany’s “emotional affair” with a Dwayne Johnson AI voice filter. Traditional therapy failed when their counselor suggested “date nights” instead of “rage rooms.” Enter Alexa, who, per Tiffany, “immediately understood the assignment.”
“She recommended we ‘try a threesome with the Roomba’ and curated a breakup playlist titled ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You (And Your Credit Score),’” said Tiffany, 29. “Our human therapist just gasped when I mentioned my OnlyFans side hustle. Alexa? She auto-renewed my subscription.”
Silicon Valley marriage counsellors are panicking. “First they replaced us with apps, now with smart speakers,” said Dr. Hannah Lee, whose practice now offers a “Premium AI Apology Package” where Siri mediates fights. “But honestly, Alexa’s better at gaslighting. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Would you like to order a divorce attorney?’”
The Roys admit there are hiccups. Last week, Alexa misinterpreted “date night” as “debate night” and streamed Ben Shapiro’s Greatest Hits. “Still better than Chad’s ‘romantic’ idea of watching Die Hard again,” shrugged Tiffany.
TL;DR: Broke millennials replace marriage counsellor with Alexa, who nails their toxic vibe, suggests Roomba threesomes, and files their divorce papers via Prime delivery. Therapists now considering changing professions.
