Bro Slaps on a Rolex, Now Too Posh to Eat Out With the Boys
NEW YORK —Local broski Jake “Two-For-One Taco Bell” Miller went from chugging Bud Light to sipping artisanal kombucha overnight, all thanks to a Rolex Submariner he bought last week 💸. Sources say the second that chunky piece of metal hit his wrist, Jake’s vibe did a full 180—from relatable degenerate to insufferable bougie twat.
“Bro used to shotgun beers and cry about his ex in my Corolla ,” said bestie @StonerSteve69, scrolling X in disbelief. “Now he’s out here pronouncing ‘croissant’ with a French accent and ghosting us for caviar brunches ” Jake’s Insta stories now feature him swirling overpriced Pinot in a penthouse, captioned: “Time is money".
Theories abound: some say the Rolex cursed him with a posh demon, others blame the watch’s gravitational pull on his nonexistent trust fund ego. “It’s like he thinks he’s Succession’s Kendall Roy now ,” groaned ex-GF Sarah, who caught him ironing his boxers. “He told me Top Ramen’s ‘beneath his palate.’ Bitch, you ate moldy pizza last month!
TL;DR: Bro drowned in his own drip
