Ancestory.com Reveals Trump And Putin Distant Cousins

NEW YORK - Genealogy giant Ancestry.com announced this week that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are distant cousins, linked by a 19th-century ancestor who allegedly “grifted his way from Belarus to Bavaria selling counterfeit bear repellant.” The discovery, made via a DNA sample from Trump’s hairspray bottle and Putin’s “borrowed” Olympic doping test, sent shockwaves through geopolitics and reality TV fandoms alike.

“Our algorithms show a 0.0001% genetic overlap, which statistically means they’re as related as two bald eagles fighting over the same taxidermied fish,” said Ancestry.com spokesperson Chip Bromwell, whose press release noted the pair’s shared traits: “A love of golden thrones, invading things that aren’t theirs, and never, ever blinking.” The ancestor in question? One Ivan “The Unhinged” Trumpov, a potato farmer turned amateur dictator who was exiled from six countries for “being too extra.”

The latest revelation has sent conspiracy theorists into overdrive. QAnon forums are now buzzing with theories that the duo is secretly building a "New World Odor" empire using shared bathwater—a plot so diabolical, it could only be hatched in a soap opera.

TL;DR: Ancestry.com exposed Trump and Putin as distant cousins. Their shared lineage? A long-dead grifter and a suspicious number of missing democratic norms.