A Simple 'Hello' Ignites A 30 Minute Monologue By Jordan Peterson
In a tragicomic meltdown that left podcast listeners questioning their life choices, self-help guru Jordan Peterson spiraled into a 30-minute rant this week after a host dared utter “Hello Jordan” on The Deeply Unwell Podcast. Witnesses described the chaos as “like watching a philosophy professor try to outrun a tornado of his own metaphors.”
“Hello? Hello? You think hello is just a greeting?” Peterson barked, eyes narrowing into slits usually reserved for Marxist post-modernists. “It’s a microcosm of Western collapse! ‘Hello’ implies order, but your tone suggests chaos. Do you even know what lobsters would say about this?”
The host, who later admitted to regretting “every life decision since 2020,” sat frozen as Peterson dissected the phrase’s “hierarchical implications,” veered into a rant about “enforced monogamy’s role in vacuum cleaner loyalty,” and concluded that Gen Z’s “failure to marry” is why “Satan invented TikTok.”
“He started diagramming ‘hello’ on a napkin like it was the Zodiac Killer’s cipher,” said producer Mandy Wu. “We ran out of coffee, then hope.”
Midway through, Peterson allegedly paused to accuse the studio’s potted fern of “embodying feminine chaos” before blaming avocado toast for declining birth rates. “You’re not eating toast,” he thundered. “You’re devouring the carcass of responsibility!”
Fans were divided. “He’s right,” said one listener. “My Roomba did judge me for not cleaning my room.” Critics, however, noted: “This is why Adderall has warning labels.”
TL;DR: Jordan Peterson hears “hello,” unleashes a TED Talk from hell on lobsters, chaos, and why your dating profile sucks.
