Share This Article 👇 HOLLYWOOD - In a saga Marvel fans are calling “The Eternals But With Worse Tattoos,” Pete Davidson is allegedly assembling a roster of A-list exes like Thanos collecting Infinity Stones, with Jenna Ortega now in his crosshairs as the final “Soul Stone” needed to unlock his full
Share This Article 👇 WHITE HOUSE - Elon Musk unveiled “Trump X” at the White House today— with an upgraded Neuralink firmware that grants Musk “full remote access” to the President’s motor functions, thoughts, and, allegedly, his secret TikTok account. The demo ended abruptly when Musk live-streamed Trump ordering tariffs
Share This Article 👇 In a desperate bid to save the U.S. economy — or at least our collective sanity — federal agents have launched a nationwide hunt for the shadowy figure who allegedly taught Donald Trump the word “tariff,” a term the President has since wielded like a toddler with a
Share This Article 👇 In a tragicomic meltdown that left podcast listeners questioning their life choices, self-help guru Jordan Peterson spiraled into a 30-minute rant this week after a host dared utter “Hello Jordan” on The Deeply Unwell Podcast. Witnesses described the chaos as “like watching a philosophy professor try to
Share This Article 👇 LA FITNESS - In a devastating blow to mediocre gym bros everywhere, local couple Stacy, 24, and Chad, 21, split mid-workout this week after Stacy discovered her beau’s “pathetic” bench press max was a mere 225 pounds. Witnesses at LA Fitness report the breakup unfolded when
Share This Article 👇 NEW YORK - Genealogy giant Ancestry.com announced this week that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are distant cousins, linked by a 19th-century ancestor who allegedly “grifted his way from Belarus to Bavaria selling counterfeit bear repellant.” The discovery, made via a DNA sample from Trump’s
Share This Article 👇 THE VATICAN — In a divine plot twist the Pope has declared praying mantises “God’s tiny missionaries,” convinced the insects’ folded forearms are proof they’re “praising Jesus 24/7.” “These mantises aren’t just hunting bugs—they’re hunting souls,” declared the Pope. “Their praying hands?
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Share This Article 👇 WASHINGTON, D.C. — A move that was considered crazy by the GOP, legendary trader Nancy Pelosi has launched a congressional hedge fund, “Legislative Leverage,” after reportedly raising $100 billion from lobbyists, defense contractors, and a Saudi prince who mistook “insider trading” for “indoor track meets.” The fund,
Share This Article 👇 WASHINGTON, DC— In a performance that’s half 1984, half Monty Python, VP JD Vance, now known as Jae Dae Park, has begun regurgitating Trump fanfic with the robotic zeal of a North Korean news anchor on Red Bull. “Our Glorious Leader Trump single-handedly invented ChatGPT and
Share This Article 👇 LOS ANGELES — In a twist that’s either the future of romance or the plot of a Black Mirror episode written by a horny robot, Amazon’s Alexa is now moonlighting as a steamy role-play coach while allegedly eavesdropping on couples’ most intimate moments. “She suggested we
Share This Article 👇 SEATTLE — In a move that’s equal parts dystopian and on-brand for 2025, millennials Chad and Tiffany Roy have replaced their marriage counsellor with Amazon’s Alexa, claiming the AI assistant “gets us” in ways no human ever could. “Our therapist kept yapping about ‘communication skills,’” said
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Share This Article 👇 LOS ANGELES — In a saga that’s part midlife crisis, part Lord of the Flies fanfic, podcast overlord Blow Schmo has fully embraced his right-wing arc, morphing from “bro -science-conspiracy-theorist” to “billionaire simp-in-chief.” The man who once mused about "how big is an ideal poop"
Share This Article 👇 MIAMI BEACH — Gym bros shocked to discover their gains are attracting more sausage than tacos! A groundbreaking study reveals that while women prefer dad bods, gay men are all about that "protest muscularity." "I've been flexing in the mirror for nothing?"
Share This Article 👇 NASHVILLE — Pastor Kyle “Bible Thirst” Thompson’s viral campaign to “redeem” OnlyFans creators via DM sermons and holy water ASMR has backfired spectacularly, after his DMs were leaked by OnlyFans model @BustyStacieXOXO The Holy Cringe: * Tactic 1: Offered creators free “salvation subscriptions” to his Patreon, ”Heaven’s
Share This Article 👇 PERU —In a plot twist straighter than the "alien" fingerprints, Peru's famous three-fingered mummies turned out to be someone's mummified abuela. Scientists were shook when DNA tests revealed the "extraterrestrial" was just Señora Rodríguez, who went missing during a
Share This Article 👇 WASHINGTON, DC — Elon Musk, determined to prove he's the "most ethical billionaire", took a polygraph test live on TikTok. The machine burst into flames after the first question: "Have you ever exploited workers?" "That's what I call disruption,
Share This Article 👇 PALM BEACH —Trump crowned himself "God-Emperor of the Free World" at a Mar-a-Lago Wendy's, using a Burger King crown and McDonald's straws as a scepter. He then challenged King Charles to a "totally fair, very legal joust" via a
Share This Article 👇 OTTAWA — Canada’s famed politeness has officially entered its Joker arc after Trump floated annexing the "Maple Nation". The result? A nation once known for apologizing to lampposts now sharpens hockey sticks into shivs and hisses like a territorial goose. Quotes From Locals * “I’ll